Communicating as a couple can be tricky- no one really teaches us how to do it well!
A tool I use often to help couples increase their ability to connect and communicate is the acronym LUV, which stands for Listen, Understand, Validate.
LUV: Listen, Understand, Validate.
This tool can be used in an argument, when one partner has something to talk about, or just during normal conversation.
Listen:
Each partner gets a turn to share what’s on their mind. While your partner talks, you listen. You’ll get your turn, so don’t interrupt them while they talk. Put down phones and other distractions, and practice active listening (head nods, eye contact, etc.).
Understand:
Once your partner is done talking, ask them questions to make sure you understand.
Ask them how they’re feeling, what’s hard for them, what they want you to know. Clarify anything that you’re unsure of. Reflect back what you hear. Make sure your partner feels confident that you understand them clearly.
Validate:
Name their emotions, and let them know that it’s okay to feel that way. Normalize their reaction, and let them know that you can see their perspective.
Even if you disagree with them, this is an important step. It facilitates connection in the midst of disagreement or high emotions.
Once you have listened to, understood, and validated your partner without interrupting with your opinions or your side,
now it’s your turn to receive LUV.
I use this tool most often with couples, but it can be helpful for communication in any sort of relationship, like with siblings or friends.
Schedule a session with me to learn more about LUV, and other tools I use to help facilitate communication in relationships!
Written by Liza Pierson, LMFT.
Liza is an individual and couples therapist who specializes in OCD, anxiety, and trauma, here at Danielson Therapy Group.
